Tuesday, December 22, 2009

bummer of a day...

I've officially turned into one of those people.  One of those people who puts their emotions and all onto a blog for people to read.  (Well Kelsey says I've always been one of those people, so if I have, I've stepped it up a notch now.)

Today was no fun.  My aunt, Melinda, who was my mom's closest sister had her first child, Mallari.  Usually this would be so exciting, but it has just sucked.  My mom waited years for Melinda to have her first child.  Melinda was constantly around us when we were growing up.  Christmas that we didn't have much, Melinda would bless us with so much.  My mom was so excited to return the favor.  But now she doesn't get to.

The week before my mom passed away she was able to buy my aunt Melinda a baby bed.  I remember talking about how excited she was to bless Melinda and Dave in that way.  And she was so excited to be able to continue to do that.  To continue to send her letters every day with a few dollars tucked inside just like she did for all four of her daughters.

I'm so excited for my aunt to finally experience the blessing of a child...but it hurt so much today.

The past two weeks I've cried very rarely.  Not because I haven't wanted to, just each time I had wanted to it had been an extremely inappropriate time to (like when working with a client), so I would push the thought out of my head as quickly as possible.  But today I've cried a lot.  A lot of tears for joy for my aunt Melinda but they have all quickly turned to tears of sadness.

Christmas parties have been so hard for me this past week.  I don't want to be in large groups of people where I don't know everybody.  I don't want to have to be social.  I don't want to have to answer the question 'how are you?'  When I know the person doesn't really want to hear the answer or I know my answer will just cause an extremely awkward moment.

In one way the holidays so close will be a blessing because all of my family will quickly be back together and no matter what the first holidays without a loved one suck.  But in another way, it sucks that they are so close.  I don't want to have to pretend I'm happy to be around lots of people.  I don't want to be super busy going from party to party.  I want to sit down on the couch, read, journal, relax, take a nap, spend time with Jesus.